I struggle with what to share on this blog and what is just babbling on about nothing in particular. I suppose that same line of thought is what has kept many of you from hearing these stories before! Then I wonder… am I thinking these things in my head and just believing others can hear my thoughts? I really didn’t think that the experiences and thoughts I’ve shared thus far were anything new!
What I have for today might come off a bit strange to some of you, but it is an experience in my life that has shaped who I have become as a Christian. You see, although I was a moral child who followed the rules fairly well, I was also a not so perfect sinner just like everyone else.
I grew up with 3 older brothers and I was a tomboy at heart, but dressed in frills. The brother closest to my age (Jeremy) was my best friend and worst enemy growing up. I remember on this one occasion when I was around 12 or 13, we had a really big argument that stemmed from my own selfishness. At the point of screaming at one another, my mother became upset at the fact that her children wouldn’t get along. I don’t remember all of the details, but I know that I ran to my room, slammed the door, and fell facedown into my bed in tears.
In my sobs, I cried out to Jesus. I felt like everything was my fault and nothing would ever be right again. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but I do remember that my heart was truly broken over it. All of a sudden, from somewhere within me, a voice uttered a couple of words. They were very audible to me, but I don’t think if anyone else was in the room they could have heard. I’m not sure if I will be able to type even a glimpse of everything those couple of words meant to me. I know they weren’t English words, yet I immediately and fully understood them to the deepest parts of my soul. Within less than a split second, my physical body surrendered my tears and was filled with an overwhelming peace, happiness, and reverence of just how small I really am. I had never before, or ever since, experienced this voice in that same way. There have been multiple times where I beg for Him to speak to me once more in that way, but for some reason, I needed it that day, but not every time I’m down.
What were the words? Well, I’m not completely sure. I know they meant for me to be quiet, stop crying, and that I was and would be forgiven. I have searched the scriptures to find anything similar and what I found was Mark 4:39. This is where the disciples were in a boat with Jesus who was sleeping when a storm arose and threatened to sink the vessel. The disciples woke Jesus up and He rebuked the wind and said to the sea πεφίμωσο (pephimōso)- Hush, Be still, Peace, Silence, to muzzle. The funny thing is that even the greek word seems weak for the depth of what this meant to me. Are all of the words in the Bible as meaningful and strong as those couple of words uttered into my heart that day? I marvel at the very thought of this all the time. God was rebuking me and the waves of my emotions immediately submitted to His authority. Yet, instead of the usual guilt and shame one feels at being admonished, I was filled with awe of my creator, peace towards my brother, and a happiness that makes me long for my eternity in His presence.
I share all of this with you in hopes that you won’t just think… well, she’s crazy! But, that you will revere Our Creator and be encouraged that He is watching over us and is in control! My God is Sovereign, Mighty, and Lord of Lords. My God is more than my weak English words could ever express. May you experience Him in a way that will forever change the way you view your Christianity!