1999. So many new adventures on the horizon! We were ecstatic, elated, thrilled, but then my life came tumbling down off of that high mountain to the deep valley below. On March 1, 1999, I miscarried at 7 weeks pregnant. For those of you who have gone through it, I know you understand. For those of you who have not gone through a miscarriage, I will make a feable attempt to shed some light into the heartbreak and emotions involved.
One moment, you are so excited for things to come- the next, you are embarrased, crushed, depressed, and heartbroken… Why? Why? Why? I was a very moral girl growing up. I didn’t do anything wrong that I could think of. I drank penty of water, took my vitamins, avoided caffeine. Why? Why did this happen? Why can all of the immoral, sin laden people seem to get pregnant and have numerous kids? Why are children born only to be put into foster care because their family is not in a place to care for them appropriately? Why are there 10y/o girls that are getting epidurals by David for their deliveries, but I can’t maintain a pregnancy? Why?
As if my raw emotions were not enough, add the hormone factor. Being pregnant, I would cry at the drop of a hat when I didn’t have anything to cry about. So, when those hormones are on board and there is something to cry about, it is really tough. I felt like someone was ripping out my heart, stripping me of every ounce of happiness. I cried more tears than I could make.
Then, there is the pain. On top of the emotions, going through a miscarriage is really painful! My abdomen was cramping so badly. With every contraction, my body tried to cleanse itself. The fact that I knew what was going on made the pain even worse.
Family. It is really difficult to go through this as a woman. However, you are not alone in your pains of your loss. David grieved. Grandparents grieved. Aunts and Uncles grieved. There is the waiting time to find out for sure that you are miscarrying and the heartache during that time. Tears, prayers, hugs. Nobody knows how to express their concerns and fears appropriately because pregnancy is not supposed to happen this way!
I remember the phone call from my sister in-law telling me that she didn’t know what to do because she just found out that she was pregnant with her first child. Shell, thank you for being thoughtful for making that call. You knew it would be very difficult timing for me to hear your news and you were extremely sensitive to that. I think your phone call helped to numb the jealousy that would have normally engulfed my heart at that time. I was happy for you, yet concerned about if the same fate would happen to you. I prayed for you and your child. My dearest Hannah, I praise God for allowing you to be born into this world and become the lovely lady that you have. You stand as a living shadow of what could have been in my life. However, looking back, I understand why God allowed me to go through this and I am grateful for being given the opportunity to watch you grow and develop through the years.
Friends. Of coarse with a first pregnancy, you tell everyone you know as soon as you find out. Why not? You are so excited over the news that you can’t contain yourself! So, there is a wave of congratulations that are behind the news of miscarriage. To have someone approach you to tell you congratulations only to end their joy for you with news of miscarriage is tougher than anyone would think. What is that person supposed to say? Let me just tell you “I’m so sorry!” along with a big hug is appropriate.
Things to NOT say… “You can get pregnant again”, “Oh, there must have been something wrong with the baby”, “I guess it was just not meant to be”, “at least it was early on”, “at least you know you can get pregnant”, and the list goes on. Everytime someone said something unintentionally unthoughtful, it felt as though they were pushing a knife through my heart. I made David tell most people as I didn’t have the strenth to endure it any longer. This wore on him as well. We were both depressed, saddened, heartbroken.
One thought on “Why Me?”
This was such a difficult post to read Kim. I still think about that precious baby. We have Hannah and 5 wonderful boys but we have also suffered the loss of 4 other very much wanted babies. Just think of all the cousins having fun in heaven! We love you guys and we are so very thankful for our wonderful nieces and nephew! Thank you for sharing your heart.