Category: encouragement

Whispers from God

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2002-2003

Today I’m going to share another moment in my life where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the God of Heaven & Earth heard my prayers and answered.

If you know me personally or have read my posts up until now, you probably know how much I wanted to have a child.  I cannot put into words the hormones, emotions, and dissappointments that infertility makes a couple travel through.  The miscarriage had been so many years previous, yet the pain in my heart was still fresh as I  longed for what I had lost.  I cried out routinely to my God to hear my plea.  I wanted a child.  Not just any child, I specificially and selfishly asked God for a blonde haired, blue eyed, baby girl who was just like me.

I had been through several rounds of oral medications and my doctor wanted to try 5 more months of infertility treatments before doing an exploratory laproscopic surgery to look for problems.  I was tired of trying and trying only to be disappointed month by month.  I begged God to tell me if and when I would get pregnant once again.  One night, I felt a still, small voice from within me telling me that I would have 3 months of treatments, have surgery, and then get pregnant.  Not an audible voice, just there in the stillness of my prayer.  Wait…  Did I imagine that?  3 months didn’t make sense!  The doctor clearly said 5 months, then surgery.  Afterall, if God heard me, couldn’t he just touch my body and make it all well without all of the treatments and surgery?  So, I pondered these things in my heart.

As I took injections for the infertility treatments, I started cramping worse and worse.  I was cramping so bad that the doctor was treating me with narcotics to control the pain throughout the entire month regardless of where my body was in the female reproductive cycle.  After 3 months of this agony, the doctor called me back into his office to talk about our options.  He said that I was having way too much pain and he thought it wise to go ahead and do the surgery to see what was going on.  Chill bumps immediately went up my spine!  It had been 3 months of treatment since that still small voice, now I was mysteriously being set up for surgery because of the pain?  Surely not, I wouldn’t let my hopes get up, but I knew that surgery needed to be done.  I knew something was wrong.

The surgery itself was uneventful.  The results?  Stage 3 endometriosis causing the cramping.  They removed the endometriosis as best they could.  I also had cervical polyps that we were told probably caused the first miscarriage.  I had never felt like something was wrong with the baby on the first pregnancy.  Somehow, I knew it was me.  Anytime someone said that there must have been something wrong with the baby, I would tell them, “No, it was just too perfect to be born into this sinful world.”  Now, I know.  It was my body, not the baby’s.  Perhaps God did think that child was just too perfect to be born into this sinful world…

Finally, the time had come when I would do another round of infertility treatments- this time with the endometriosis freshly cleaned out and no more cervical polyps.  Such a long wait in between, but this time I had more hope.  They had found the problem and fixed it as best they could.

I remember looking over the pregnancy test that I took early because I couldn’t wait any longer.  The second line was faint, but it was there.  I showed David.  He looked up shaking and said, “that’s positive!”  It hit me…  That still small voice had said, 3 months of treatment, surgery, then pregnancy.  It happened exactly as I had heard.  My God had heard my prayers and answered them.

My God is Greater!!!

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Holy, Holy, Holy is the LORD God almighty, who was and is, and is to come!

It is my hope that by writing these stories and walking you through the years of my life that you would be able to see Jesus.  That you would be able to reach out and grab hold of his garments and He would heal you, restore you, and sanctify you.  Beloved, there is a real enemy out there who seeks to destroy, but my God is Greater!!!  I have seen my God living, breathing, and guiding throughout my life and I want the same for you!  If you do not know Him, please call out to Him.  In your head, or out loud, speak the name of Jesus and ask Him to reveal himself to you.  The ground that you and I stand on belongs to the creator of the universe.  As in classic feudalism, surrender your allegiance to our LORD and He will provide salvation, protection, and guidance, along with countless other things.  But with my LORD, this will be for now and for all eternity not as a mere vassal, but through adoption as sons and daughters of the great high King!!!  To God be the glory forever and ever!  Amen.

California 2000-2001

David & I were accustomed to going to church weekly and being involved with other christian believers.  Our hearts ached at the thought of leaving our group behind as we set out on a new journey for California.  However, God had that one covered as well.  A friend of ours at church, told us about a couple in California close to our age who might be able to help us get plugged into a church.  Sure enough, we met J & K as “the man in the red hat” and they became wonderful friends!  They introduced us to Harvest church in Southern California where we attended together.  We lived life with them for those couple of years.  We went to Disneyland and acted goofy together.  They were an unexpected blessing!  They were our family!  We still love J & K, but the distance keeps us from seeing each other often.  But, thankfully, we have Facebook!  But, even in the smaller concerns of life, God provides!

Desperate to take in every opportunity of the beautiful state of California, we were always on the go.  Whether that meant to work, to Disneyland, to the beach, or to the mountains for snow skiing, we were always doing something.  My body was exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  As I said before, David & I had some of our darkest days of our marriage during this time in California.  There were several factors playing into this, but mainly we were both living in selfishness and pride, looking forward to graduation where we could go on with our pretentious lives.  Even though I was being broken physically, I still had a lot of emotional and spiritual work to be done!

I remember too well the hours driving home from Big Bear with my legs uncontrollably aching and cramping.  However, I knew that they needed to be rehabilitated and snow skiing was my favored choice of exercise.  Big Bear…  ah…  the stories…  The earthquake!  Yes, we were on the ski lift during an earthquake once.  Again, God provided protection for us!  We just swung in our little seat dangling above the mountain!

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I remember too well the paths that led to the beach.  Many required walking down a steep hill to get to the gorgeous sand and waves below.  Walking downhill was harder for me than uphill.  My crazy muscles were backwards!  Nevertheless, I remember the embarrassment of having to sit and rest frequently to make my way down.

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So, I want to end my story of our California days with another witness to God’s divine nature.  There was a couple (I’ll call them Tom & Erica) in the anesthesia program with David that were having legal struggles with licensing and ended up having to leave the program.  Everyone in the small resident anesthesia group was impacted and struck by the depth of something like that happening.  Reverting back to everything I had known growing up christian, I felt like I should write them a small note to let them know I was praying for them.  The only hesitation that I had was that I knew Tom was a very devout athiest.  Nevertheless, I heeded the tugging on my heart and wrote the small, rather meaningless note that most people read, smile, and throw away.  I did not know then the depth of that note.  I had no idea that God was at work there and I quickly forgot I had written the note as I didn’t get any response from it.  A few years later, I came across Erica and she shared her experiences that had unfolded.  She told me that what I did not know is that she was & is a christian and was having to sneak out of the house to attend church because of the tension with Tom’s athiest beliefs.  She said I had no idea of the degree of persecution that she was under at the time.  Tom and Erica’s marriage eventually ended in divorce, but she said that I would never know how much that note meant to her.  She doesn’t know how much I fought God’s calling for me to write it!  Out of faith, my hand formed the words on it, but trust me, I take no credit for it!  God had heard Erica’s cries and wiped the tears from her face long enough and He knew she needed the encouragement that she wasn’t alone.

My Beginnings

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How do I explain to you the multitude of moments that I have lived through?  How can I possibly explain in words where I’ve come from, how my thoughts are formed, and who I am?

I am allergic to coffee, so every morning I wake up to a cup of iced tea.  So, grab a cup of tea, possibly some tissues, and join me as I attempt to write some of my deepest thoughts.

I was born and raised in Texas in a Christian home that, like all other families I know, was imperfect.  Trying to find a place to fit in, we hopped from church to church and denomination to denomination.  As a child, I never really experienced a local body of believers who were as close as family.  But, God knew how those moves and inconsistencies would shape the woman I was to become.

I remember the day that my mom asked me if I wanted to invite Jesus into my heart.  I don’t know the exact date, or even how old I was.  I know I was around 4 or 5 years old & I remember kneeling beside her unmade king-sized bed and having her lead me through a prayer to my new found Lord & Savior.  I was a good child overall & nothing much changed in the way I acted at that time.  But, as time would tell, that decision to accept Christ was like root stimulator to the little mustard seed of faith in my soul.  He, my Jesus, my Lord, never left me or forsook me as I went through the many changes and difficulties of growing up.

As I entered into my preteen years, I remember feeling (probably unfounded feelings because of normal hormonal changes in my body) that nobody loved me.  Every corrective criticism I received was just one more stab to my heart to say how unworthy, unrighteous, and undesirable I was as a person.  With these words of attack welling up inside of me, I poured it all at the feet of the one whom I had learned to love and trust.  Yes, my parents were there, but I’m talking about my heavenly father, my Abba Father.  I prayed and asked him to PLEASE be my Daddy; love me, hold me, consume me, and comfort me in the secret places of my heart where nobody else could.

Allow me to clarify something quickly…  I love my parents & do NOT blame them in any way for how I felt.  By watching other preteens grow up, I realize that those feelings of searching for approval and identity are just a part of life.  However, God used those normal hormonal changes to add a bit of fertilizer to the the seed of faith previously planted in my heart.